Marcy's story of awakening, healing and redemption

We were preparing for Christmas. It should have been the best time of the year, but it didn't feel so great. Something seemed to really be bothering my husband, Jeff. He talked less and less and the smallest things seemed to cause him stress. Life was busy. We were waiting for a bid from a contractor while preparing to travel to my parent's house year for Christmas. I knew the trip wasn't helping Jeff's mood. I attempted to just give him some space and tried to keep the house picked up and calm for when he'd arrive home. I hoped things would be better once the new year began.

The Call

And then the phone call came on a Friday afternoon. Jeff didn't sound like himself. He wanted to let me know he would be home a little late-that he was meeting a couple of guys after work. I could feel prickles coming up on the back of my neck. His closing remark was that I was the most wonderful wife. Instead of feeling affirmed, I wondered what brought that on. I kept telling myself, "It must be about work. Here we go looking for a new job again." I was glad Jeff would be talking to the guys before he came home. Maybe they could help him see the future in a better light. We had been down this path before and God had always been there. I knew He would be there now too.

I heard the garage door going up as I finished preparing supper. I heard the children greeting Jeff and him asking them to play downstairs while he talked to me privately. Not looking at me, he asked me to come into the bedroom. He didn't sound like himself at all. I followed him and heard the door close while expecting to hear him say that he lost his job. Instead, he began saying he had an affair with someone at work.

Instantly, the pieces of my life as I knew it totally shattered. I think I asked Jeff to repeat himself because I couldn't believe the words. That's when the pain, hurt and anger spouted out from me. I wanted to know all the details. I couldn't believe he had done this. Jeff told me he would leave or stay and-that the call was mine. My immediate reaction was 'go.' But then I wondered where he would go and what would he do? I knew I would never get sleep if he left. I changed my mind to 'Stay...for now.' I determined that would be easier for the kids. I just couldn't imagine explaining why Daddy was moving out.

I asked Jeff to give me some time alone and then I collapsed in tears. My life would never be the same. I wondered, "Where do we go from here?" I knelt on the floor and prayed all my hurt and anger out to God. I asked Him to let me see Jeff as He saw him. "Help me to love him. Protect my children from this sin." I even prayed for the other woman. I told God I wasn't sure how the pieces would come back together, but I knew He did. I determined to trust Him to show me the way-to show us the way. I also prayed for God to wrap his arms around me and help me to get through the weekend until we could get help. I knew Jeff was going to report to his new Purity Boot Camp on Monday morning. I thought, "God, is that perfect timing or what?" Pastor Irv can help give us direction. I knew he wanted the best for both of us.

Somehow we made it through the weekend and Jeff called me from work with the name of a Christian counselor Pastor Irv recommended. I told Jeff he could go alone to the first appointment, after all it was his problem and he should deal with it. I thought, "Why do I have to change my schedule to go to this appointment and make childcare arrangements?" As soon as I hung up the phone, I felt convicted. I realized I needed to go too. It was our marriage. Maybe Jeff broke the proverbial straw, but I knew I hadn't been the perfect wife either. I didn't want my marriage to just survive, I wanted it to be what God intended it to be. We needed help and maybe this counselor would be the link to get into the past hurts and help us to finally heal and move on. I quickly called Jeff back at work and told him I would go. It was time to rebuild.

Another Call

I then made the hardest phone call of all. I called my prayer partner. I needed her prayers to help me keep a softened heart. I also knew she would not just pray for me, but would pray for my husband and my children. She also volunteered to watch the kids for me during this appointment and for any future appointments. I remembered her asking if Jeff had hit bottom. I said I didn't know. I didn't even know what the bottom looked like. I knew he seemed very sorry and was doing the right things, but I didn't know what the bottom looked like. I told her it was okay for her to pray for him to hit bottom because I didn't want to go back to the old patterns of the past years of marriage. That was over and we were only moving in new directions.

Researching the Topic

During this time I began researching the topic of affairs and checked out books from the library. Why did my husband do what he did? How could he do this when he said he loved me? What was I supposed to feel and do? I was so confused and numb, so I went searching for information. After skimming through a couple of books I realized that affairs were happening much too often. Affairs also seem to be nondiscriminatory. Christian and secular marriages were affected just as often. What sobering statistics. Boy, was I naïve to think this would never happen to me.

I remember vacillating between the idea of staying married to Jeff and to living life as a single mom. I knew what he did broke our marriage covenant, but I also knew God hates divorce. I clearly remembered Pastor Steve saying God knows our inner heart. If I divorced Jeff now, without giving him a chance to change, God would know that was my hurt, prideful self coming out.

Our first counseling session mostly involved talking separately with our therapist and the hour went by quickly. I knew it would not be a quick fix, but I felt God's presence in that office. I felt that if the pieces could be put together, our therapist would be the instrument God used to make our marriage stronger than before. We scheduled our next appointment for the following week, which seemed like a long time away. Part of me resented the financial cost if the counseling, however, I was quickly convicted that divorce was not cheap either and I had to think of our children and their futures. A dollar figure could not be placed on that. So, I released my financial fears to God and I determined to trust Him to work out the details. I reminded myself that Jeff was going to Purity Boot Camp in the morning. Then he'd be working during the day and somehow we would make it through the weekend until our next counseling appointment.

Not Rock Bottom Yet

On Monday, my son and I came home from an appointment and when the garage door went up he said, "Daddy's home!" Immediately, I wondered what was Jeff doing home during the day. My heart dropped. Was he fired? I went inside and one look at his face told me it had happened again. It was clear he hadn't hit bottom yet. I cried. I was angry. I told Jeff he had better call our therapist's office and see if he could move up that next appointment. I called my prayer partner and then I called another friend. I needed to enlist more prayer support. I was really beginning to doubt that we would make it through another year of marriage.

I made plans with a friend to go out the following night and it felt good to do that. The rest of the day went by in a blur. I know I prayed a lot and again asked God to help me see Jeff through His eyes. I also knew that I had to forgive Jeff if we were going to have a fighting chance. Actually, forgiving him seemed to be the easiest part. Trusting him was going to be the toughest thing in the world.

Jeff called work and said he would be taking the rest of the week off. I started counting the hours to that next counseling appointment.

We had a two-hour appointment this time. It felt good to clear the air and get guidance on what we should be looking at. It was the first time I heard that my husband had a sexual addiction. It would have been much easier for me to deal with an alcohol or drug addiction-as if those are somehow more acceptable. When we went to pick up our kids from my prayer partner's house, we sent them downstairs for a little while and the three of us prayed for God's healing for Jeff and me, and for protection over our children. I felt God's peace as all three of us cried and prayed together.

My Support Team

That evening I went out with my friend. I had been looking forward to it all day. It wasn't easy trying to act normal in front of the children with Jeff home during the day. I gave him chores to do because it was driving me crazy to see his sad face looking at me. I enjoyed my time out of the house. It wasn't until then that I realized it had been a long time since I had been out with a friend for a heart-to-heart chat. God knew just what I needed and this friend was there to ask the tough questions, challenging me to keep my eyes open.

She also told me about a Bible study she was in and thought it would be helpful to me. She told me she would be calling me. She said she'd be my accountability person to make sure I was expressing my feelings and thoughts adequately and not falling back to my pattern of retreat. I felt at peace knowing she was praying for me, Jeff, the children and our marriage. I knew I needed to enlist help from those who would support our marriage and not those that would tell me to run. This friend gave me one last gift. She volunteered to watch our kids for three or four hours one day a week, provided I would use the time for myself-to work out, spend time in prayer or in God's Word. What a gift her friendship is to me.

I also had an advertisement for the next "Women of Truth" meeting starting the following week. I couldn't make up my mind about going. Would somebody know me there? What would they think? Who would watch the kids since Jeff had a group meeting that same night? I prayed, "God, if you want me to go, I'll need help removing these barriers." Later that week, I added the third person to "Team Marcy." Jeff had his accountability group and now I had three on my team. This friend asked how she could help. I told her we needed her and her husband's prayers, for her to call me to check up on me, and for her to possibly watch the children on Tuesday evenings. The answer to all three questions was yes.

Women of Truth

I was apprehensive walking into the Women of Truth meeting, but soon felt a peace and knew this was where I should be. Believe it or not, the Bible study was the same one my friend recommended. Isn't God's timing wonderful! Those next 12 weeks flew by. I was challenged by the daily homework and I clung to the verses Beth Moore quoted on that first video. They were from Isaiah 61 (especially 61:2-3: "To comfort all who mourn; to console those who mourn in Zion; to give them beauty for ashes the oil of joy for mourning; the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness.") I also listened a lot to the song, "The Voice of Truth," by Casting Crowns. Jeff and I were talking and sharing like we had never done in our marriage.

A Transforming Marriage
This past year had been challenging to say the least. But it had also been exciting to see the change and growth in my husband. And it was good to see the growth I made as an individual and a wife. My therapist appointments helped me to recognize my people pleaser instincts. He showed me how beneficial it is to spend some time doing things that give me energy and life. Somehow, over the years, I had allowed my husband and children take that away from me. I also saw how important it was for me to speak my thoughts and feelings, how that worked to strengthen our marriage. I absolutely needed to change my passive ways if I was going to be happy.

It has been almost a year now since that fateful phone call from my husband. We are still in counseling, but I can honestly say our marriage is better than it ever has been and I'm looking forward to the growth to come. I also have thanked God more than once over these past 12 months for His presence and healing. I even have thanked Him for letting the pieces shatter. No, I wouldn't have picked an affair to break it into pieces, but I'm thankful my husband was honest and up front, that he didn't hide his affair for months or years. I'm also thankful that we have many more years to enjoy a good marriage than we could have if none of this happened. We would still be unhappy in a struggling marriage.

The names in this true story have been changed to protect the privacy of those in it .
Read Marcy's husband Jeff's story of healing, "The Road Back from the Edge" at LifeStories.