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couplePastors often get questions about marriage. Read more about some keys to creating a happy marriage.

A happy, long-lasting marriage is the dream of every couple. No one gets married with the goal of living in a "stable state of misery. Couples with good marriages will tell you that it didn't happen without effort. Several factors stand out as important in having the marriage of your dreams:

Couples with happy marriages have mutual respect for one another. There is respect in their attitudes and how they treat each other in speech and actions. These couples refuse to speak degradingly of one another to others. They also believe that God gave them a spouse as a gift. In turn, the spouse is prized above all others. Couples with good marriages avoid what marriage expert Dr. John Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" namely:

    • Criticism
    • Cynicism
    • Defensiveness
    • Withdrawal

These four toxic patterns of interaction greatly undermine respect in a marriage. In Ephesians 5:33, the Apostle Paul writes concerning husband-wife relations, "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Respect is important to both spouses, but it must be earned. A husband wants the respect of his wife every bit as much as he wants her love. On the other hand, a man cannot expect to receive the respect of his wife unless he treats her in a loving, sacrificial manner befitting a Christian.

Wives may be wondering how they can demonstrate respect for their husbands? Let me answer that by describing what she should and shouldn't do. Her husband needs her to respect him as a man for who he is, not simply for what he says or does. She chooses to respect him as her provider, protector, lover and leader. She speaks well of him to the children. She demonstrates respect for him by refusing to speak ill of him to friends, refusing to compare him to other men, not undermining his discipline of the children, and refusing to defy his authority. The Bible says she is to respect him in a way similar to how she respects the Lord (Ephesians 5:22).

Secondly, couples with happy marriages prioritize their relationship. They love spending time with each other. Yes, I know that children can drain a couple of time, energy and dollars, but couples with happy marriages have figured out how to make time for each other even with busy schedules. For instance, they consistently have a date night when they leave the children with a parent or trusted babysitter and spend time alone together. This marks a prioritization intheir relationship which sows seeds for the future when their children leave home.

Those with happy marriages have learned to leave parents and cleave to one another. As important as building a home together is, leaving mom and dad involves more than just leaving the parents' home. It means emotional separation, so that a couple no longer looks to parents for affirmation and validation. Further, leaving parents involves spiritually embracing faith in God as individuals and a couple, not depending upon the faith of the parents.

Cleaving is another word for "bonding." Good marriages are formed by partners who have bonded physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sexual intimacy, emotional connectedness as best friends and being rightly related to God through faith in Jesus Christ all fall under the term "cleaving." The most important aspect is spiritual cleaving. God blesses the couple that is spiritually one, growing individually and together in a relationship with God through faith in Christ. These husbands and wives encourage one another's faith journey.

Finally, happy, long-lasting marriages involve learning not to "sweat the small stuff." These partners overlook minor irritations and flaws. They have decided which issues are "hills to die on" and which are not. They also take the Scripture to heart that says, "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). By doing so, they know the goal in working through disagreements is not to win, but to deepen their relationship. These couples are open and honest, but because they genuinely love and care for one another, they aren't critical. They have learned to laugh together and find best friends in one another.

Does this description reflect your marriage? If there are areas you and your spouse need to work on, Marriage Ministries has a wealth of resources to help. We can connect you with a marriage coach, enroll you in an Alpha Marriage Course or offer financial counseling. If you have seen God help you grow in these areas, you may want to support others by becoming Marriage Coaches. Vist the Marriage Ministries section for more information.